Social suicide

I have a friend who lives an hour away from my town and he wants to go out for a drink with me. I even wanted this to happen, it would be nice to have something to do outside of this room, but maybe this would lead to the end of my social life on the internet and so I would be completely alone. I say this because I don't know if this friend would keep such a secret, that I am a quadriplegic, he is a very straight, sentimental and empathetic. I think he would want to tell others and then I would come out as a liar and I deserve to be called a liar because, in the end, I lied.

The mechanism that my mind has created to cope with the fact that I've created a character is to say that it's for the good of those within my cycle, which is a small cycle of less than ten people. Let me give you the context first: It was a terrible time for everybody, everybody was melancholic and depressed. The first thing I invented was to say that I was training and that helped my depression, so I encouraged everyone to start training to get out of the hole they were in and it worked, one of the guys was very young and I got him to start calisthenics at the most crucial moment of his life and today he is super well. The cool thing is that I started with basic tips, gave them great tools and then they learned how to get around. After all that, this friend who lives near me joined our cycle.

This is where it becomes unnecessary, and it was purely out of an inferiority complex: there was this guy who kept bothering me about women. One day I got so fed up with this nagging that I told him I was engaged and, yes... I "got married". I couldn't deny it out of shame and weakness. And to make matters worse, I thought, I've already lied, I'll make up what I always want to have: I said I had a son. That's pathetic, to want to affirm yourself like that on the internet, that's pathetic. I was an asshole in that, and there is no justification for what I invented. Maybe the previous lie had a noble motive - still a lie - but not this one, this was really just an attack of inferiority complex.

I'm thinking of going out with this friend and committing social suicide. My condition is not a valid excuse for making this up, I should have just told them about my illness from the start and everything would have been so much easier now. I don't think they would take it and let me carry on as normal among them. I don't know what to do, on the one hand I feel bad that I lied, on the other hand I don't want to be completely alone, even on the internet. Am I a selfish person?

04/24/23, Wednesday
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