Have you ever looked in the mirror and seen something that shouldn't be there, something that you feel doesn't represent you? That you are fully aware that no matter what you do, it will always be there and will tend to get worse? So, faced with a body you didn't choose, in order to escape the terrible reality, you wander around like Michelangelo, sculpting a body whose shape you would feel comfortable in. And the self-deprecating thoughts take over: why would anyone want to relate to such a freak, when even I cannot look at my own body without feeling repulsed?

This extreme thinness, these protruding ribs, this thin neck and scoliosis, this frail and fragile body, like a toddler who can't take anything. It is ironic to hate such weakness and to be so helpless, so vulnerable. What wouldn't I give to be able to make the muscles do what I want? I only ask God's forgiveness for having such contempt for the body He gave me, which is the cross I have to bear.

What would the women I love think if they saw me in this wretched shape? It would certainly change everything, all the desire cultivated with words would vanish at the sight of the inability to give them the promises I had made. So I ran away, I drove them away at the height of our relationship. The only one who knew and stayed with me, without understanding the seriousness of the matter, I destroyed, wanting to push her away - for her own good, I told myself, to hide my cowardice. I could not give her the privilege of my total absence, I owe it to her and I must do it as soon as possible. Or is it just another way of escaping? I don't think so.

Today it is not so difficult to look in the mirror, I no longer see an ugly appearance, I still look at my body with disgust - I am not blind to reality - but I have learned to deal with it. Women? I've moved on, and although I suffer from testosterone spikes, I don't chase them. It's a mixture of wanting to please God and making myself sick, not because I don't know how to deal with women, but because they make me think of things that are impossible for me to do.