I'm going to make a change to the posts, I want to see if it works. From now on there'll be one post a month, my life is tedious so I don't think it'll be a huge post that's unbearable to read and I get the impression that there's more going on... is the opposite possible? Anyway, here are July's notes.

In a direct link to the previous post, I was thinking of stopping seeing my psychologist, but it was her who stopped seeing me. The woman disappeared and had already done so. The reason this had happened before was that a relative had died and the secretary hadn't informed me. I was left in the dark again. I still haven't been referred to a psychiatrist, I need health professionals urgently, especially now that I've been the cause of a suicide attempt. Guilt is a hook.

I found out that INSS beneficiaries can't work or they lose their benefits. I was discouraged from taking the ENCCEJA for this reason, but I'm going to make it a personal goal. Over the last three months I've been talking to a girl and I chose her to tell her about my condition. She's schizophrenic, she'd changed her medication and when she did, she started hearing voices telling her it was all a lie. Two days later she started trying to humiliate me, calling me a cripple, a fucking wheelchair user and telling me to get up straight away. It lasted three days and only stopped because I cut off contact realising it wouldn't stop.

I watched Inside Out 2 with my family, it was tiring, but I had a lot of fun. Four days later we travelled at the invitation of my doctor, who invited and paid for the trip. The trip was great, we just spent more than we could afford. I say I had fun and everything, but deep down I felt absolutely nothing but pain and the feeling of being a pathetic existence who can't even speak, because I don't have the strength to breathe and speak. I prefer to stay quiet, I talk to them in my head.

My drunkenness gave birth to a suicide attempt. Text removed due to extreme anonymity OCD and having realised, while writing, that it would be idiotic to expose it. We'll stick to the superficial: a typo while drunk caused a jealousy crisis resulting in the attempt.

They've finally fixed the battery in my chair, but I can't use the joystick anymore, it's too far away from my hand. I'm going to make an appointment with an occupational therapist, who will probably be able to fix it.