In my first blog post, I said I would be optimistic most of the time, but who would have thought that I would fall into a depressive crisis shortly after starting the blog. What bad luck. What triggered this crisis was the overwhelming feeling of helplessness I felt when a drunken bastard grabbed my sister in front of our house and I couldn't protect her. Luckily, my brother was home, ran after him, and the people on the street beat the guy up. I sweated all day and went through an anxiety attack. It was a huge adrenaline rush and since my body can't do anything... I just kept shaking. I tried to comfort her with words, but I'm so useless that in moments like these I can't go to her, hug her and make her feel all the love and protection in the world.

I show love through touch, and the only times I was able to show this to my sister, she was so young that she wouldn't remember even if she wanted to. I remember the day I made her sleep in my arms, she was crying so much... I hugged her and started rocking her, she soon stopped crying and started mumbling, I continued rocking her until I heard nothing but her breathing as she slept. On that day, I realised that she was the angel who had come to ease my depression and put an end to the desire to kill myself that I didn't know I had. Hearing her cry, that memory came back to my mind and I felt so incapable, so weak and useless that my will to live disappeared for long hours and once again I kept it to myself. I buried it and managed to contain the consequences for about three weeks, but a full vase eventually spills.

I think I'm giving up. For two months, I've been sleeping at 6 a.m. I'm tired. I've been sleeping at this time because I see the dark circles under my mother's eyes and the stress caused by sleep deprivation. I can't turn over in bed and I have to wake her up, so she doesn't sleep well. I'll sleep at the right time if I get home care. I'm doing everything I shouldn't be doing. I should sleep and wake up early, get some sun, but I wake up and have a fucking erection all day long.

They say the world has meaning when we force it, but why force it if I just stay in bed? You're alone with God. I said something totally different and wrote that sentence. Coincidence? If I daydream, inventing an awake world, where I do all the hobbies I would like to do and have had so many jobs that would only be possible in three lifetimes, from the most manual to the easiest of all. I don't know, I think being retired since I was 7 years old has taken away my desire to try to find any job. My God, I'm writing one depressing post after another.