I'm a sordid scoundrel and as time goes by, I feel more and more that way. No matter what I do, no matter how much I turn away from these thoughts, I always end up thinking about women or drinking until I lose consciousness. I wonder if being carnal like this is because of my cousin's "abuse" - I use "abuse" in inverted commas because I think I wanted it and because of the lack of trauma, at least I don't notice any. I'm a fucking worldling who never gets out of bed.

I always end up chatting to women on the internet and I don't know why, even if I chat without any intention, they always end up having a romantic relationship with me. Even without making any advances, they end up doing it themselves and I think I feel this way, a vile scoundrel, for hiding the fact that I'm crippled. The solution to this is to stop chatting on the internet, become a cyber hermit with no contact with people of the opposite sex and have a life instead of being chronically online.

A friend says I'm not ugly, the women I've had the courage to send photos to haven't disliked my looks either and I've even been complimented, but I can't accept myself. When I look in the mirror I just feel disgusted, I think that my genetic flaw should die with me, I deserve to be alone forever. Why curse someone else with this torment? My own selfishness? I don't see myself as worthy of having a wife, marriage and children. Any idea of having them is shattered by this thought of not being worthy, this fucking inferiority complex. There's no other way to live than isolation and loneliness.